Blog · Asian American Men
Dating as an Asian American Man: Stereotypes, Dating Apps, and Self-Worth
TL;DR
Dating can be rough for Asian American men, and the bias on the apps is real. But when dating becomes the main measure of your worth, every unanswered message starts to feel like a verdict. Two tools help: catching the story you tell yourself after a rejection, and spreading your sense of worth across more of your life.
"Matched. Talked for three days. Then nothing. Again."
When I talk with Asian American men about dating, that moment comes up a lot. So does what happens right after it: the same list starts running in your head. Too short. Too quiet. Too Asian. And after enough rounds, a heavier thought settles in: "I've been on the apps for two years. I'm starting to think it's me."
I want to take that seriously, because part of it is true. I also want to look at what happens when that thought gets to decide how you see yourself.
The bias is real, and it's not all in your head
This isn't just a feeling. In a study of about 6,000 online dating profiles, sociologists found that Asian men were among the most excluded groups of daters.1 OkCupid's own data later showed the same pattern.2
Add decades of Asian men shown on screen as the nerd, the sidekick, the guy who doesn't get the girl, and it makes sense that a quiet inbox feels personal. If dating has felt harder for you than for your friends, you're not imagining it.
The script a lot of us were handed
A pattern I hear often: somewhere along the way, you picked up a script for how love is supposed to go, from family ("find a nice girl, settle down"), from movies, or from watching friends get engaged one after another. Work hard, be a good guy, and it'll happen.
When life doesn't follow the script, frustration makes sense. For some men it hardens into resentment, and then a quieter story: I did everything right, so I'm owed this. I understand where that comes from, and I see what it costs. It keeps you angry, turns dates into tests, and hands your worth to strangers on an app. Nobody is owed a partner, and that's not a judgment of you. It's a relief, because your worth was never up for a vote.
When comparison moves into your body
Dating apps are built on photos. You swipe through hundreds of faces and bodies, knowing you're being sized up the same way, and comparing starts on its own: his height, his jawline, his arms, his travel photos.
Over time, that comparison tends to land on the things you can see. In one study presented at the American Psychological Association's convention, Tinder users, both men and women, were less satisfied with their bodies and looks than people who didn't use the app. They were also more likely to compare their appearance to others and to keep checking how they look. The men who used it reported lower self-esteem, too.3 The study can't show the app caused this, but the pattern will sound familiar to a lot of people.
For Asian American men, the comparison often lands right where the old stereotypes aim: height, size, how "masculine" you look. It can show up as checking angles for an hour before you post a photo, a gym routine that stops being about health, cutting back on food to look leaner in pictures, or skipping plans on a "bad body day."
Caring about how you look isn't the problem. It becomes one when your appearance turns into the thing you think you have to fix before you're allowed to be wanted.
When dating becomes the whole scoreboard
Psychologists have a name for this: contingencies of self-worth. Most of us base our self-esteem on a few areas of life, like work, family, appearance, or relationships. When your worth leans heavily on one of them, your mood rises and falls with how that one area is going.4 In one line of research, people whose worth depended most on other people's approval felt the biggest drop after being told they weren't very likable.4
Dating apps are a constant stream of approval and rejection. If dating carries most of your self-worth, that's a lot of weight on something you can't control.
Catch it, check it, change it
One tool I use a lot comes from cognitive behavioral therapy. The idea is simple: our thoughts aren't always facts, and some patterns of thinking, often called thinking traps, bend the truth in ways that make us feel worse.5 You can practice noticing them. Here's what that might look like after a match goes quiet.
Catch it
Notice the thought as it shows up. Two kinds of clues help. Your feelings: a drop in your stomach, a flash of embarrassment, frustration that comes out of nowhere. And what you start doing: checking your phone again and again, or suddenly wanting to delete the app. Ask, "What am I telling myself right now?" If it comes out as a question, like "Why did she stop texting?", rewrite it as a statement so you can look at it. "She lost interest because I'm too Asian. It's me. Nobody on here wants guys like me. I'll be alone forever." Then rate how strong the feeling is, from 0 to 100.
Check it
Name the traps. "She lost interest because I'm too Asian" is mind-reading: you don't know why she went quiet. "It's me" is personalizing. "Nobody on here" is catastrophizing. "I'm owed a reply" is a should. And "I'll be alone forever" is fortune-telling: treating a prediction as a fact. It's one of the most common things I hear from people who are dating, men and women alike. A hard year of dating tells you about this year. It can't tell you about the rest of your life. Then ask: What's the evidence? What else could explain it? What would a good friend say? There's often a grain of truth, and that's okay to admit. Bias on the apps is real. It just isn't the only explanation, and it doesn't get the final word on you.
Change it
Try a more balanced thought that fits more of the facts. "I don't know why she went quiet. People juggle a lot of chats and a lot of life. Apps can be unfair to Asian men, and that's frustrating. It still doesn't decide what I'm worth." Then rate it again: how much do you believe it, and how strong is the feeling now? It may take a few tries. Even believing it 10 percent loosens the first thought's grip. And if you fall right back into the trap later, go easy on yourself. It gets easier with practice.
Your worth isn't a match count. It was never up for a vote.
Try this week: draw your pie
Grab a piece of paper. List the things your sense of worth leans on: friends, family, dating, work or school, health, hobbies, faith, whatever fits. Rank them from most to least important to how you see yourself, then draw a circle and slice it up. Bigger slice, bigger influence. Look at it honestly. Is anything bigger than you'd like? Smaller? Pick one small thing this week that feeds a slice you want to grow, like calling a friend, playing pickup, or cooking something new.
Dating as an Asian American man, on your own terms
None of this means you should stop caring about dating or pretend the apps are fair. It means dating gets to be one important part of your life instead of the judge of it. That often makes dating feel lighter, too.
If you want help with this, therapy is a good place for it. I'm not the expert on you, so we'd get curious about your patterns, try a few small experiments, and keep what works.
Sources
- Robnett, B., & Feliciano, C. (2011). Patterns of racial-ethnic exclusion by internet daters. Social Forces. Summary: UC Irvine.
- Rudder, C. (2014). Race and Attraction, 2009–2014. OkCupid (archived).
- American Psychological Association (2016). Swiping Right on Tinder Could Lower Self-Esteem. Strübel, J., & Petrie, T., APA Annual Convention.
- Crocker, J., & Wolfe, C. T. (2001). Contingencies of self-worth. Psychological Review; Park, L. E., & Crocker, J. (2008). Overview: Self and Motivation Lab, University at Buffalo.
- American Psychological Association. What Is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?
This post is for education only and isn't a substitute for therapy or medical care.
About the author
Jonathan Dang is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT #120325) and Certified Eating Disorder Specialist in California. For the past decade he has worked with adults navigating anxiety, depression, ADHD, career stress, anger, and their relationship with food and body image. Men's mental health is at the center of his practice, and he recently completed his term as co-chair of the Academy for Eating Disorders' Male Eating Disorder Special Interest Group.